I Just Thought I'd Never

I was thinking of how God has such a sense of humor as I start doing things that I had vowed years ago that I would never do, when my thoughts took a more serious turn. I also saw how the loving hand of God balanced my I’ll nevers. By using the negative ones to teach, and soften my heart and also to show me that his healing and restoring powers are still very much alive today. I praise you Father for all that you have brought me to and brought me through.

My list of I’ll never:
1. I’ll never move back to Victoria (something about over my dead body)
2. I’ll never stay with someone who would hit me.
3. I’ll never stay with someone who is verbally and/or physically abusive.
4. I’ll never speak in public
5. I’ll never be happy without a man around
6. I’ll never change
7. I’ll never be free from depression
8. I’ll never be happy unless I am in charge and in control
9. I’ll never take care of children again (something about drive my car over a bridge before…)
10. I’ll never be able to forgive Tony face to face
11. I’ll never forgive my brother (something about long after moms dead and buried still won’t)

Numbers 2 and 3 were more than a simple acknowledgement. I looked down on women who stayed with men like that. I pitied them and couldn’t understand how someone could be so pathetically needy. I loathed the men but I think I loathed the women just as much. My mother stayed with a man like that. I had no respect for and hated her for a very long time because her decision put me in arms way.

I still shake my head in disbelief when I think of the last 5 years of my life. I am humbled and I walk in a new pair of shoes, those of a strong self assured woman who was broken on the inside, but didn’t know it. Who fell in love with a lie and before I knew it blamed myself for every outburst, every cruel onslaught and somehow became convinced that if only I could be different, more deserving maybe I could be treated better. It was almost like being hypnotized, seeing it take place, but unable to stop it. Desperate to be justified, holding on to the day he realized what a rotten excuse of a man he had been to me, sorry beyond words with cries of affirmation of his undying love and repentance, ready to spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

Can the brain and heart be any more deceived? What a foolish dream. I see now that I was sick. I wasn’t healthy but even realizing that didn’t release me from the bondage I was in.

I thank God for many things but for this I will list only two:

What I went through. (I know it wasn’t God that put me through that, it was my bad decisions.)
And that I went THROUGH it, and that was all God.

My eyes have been open, and I have much compassion for the women that are in abusive relationships. It is truly a love issue. When I finally realized how special I was to God, how much he wanted to talk with me, take care of me and shower me with his love, I was able to begin to trust him, and he began to restore my broken heart. He replaced my heart with his and with that very special and miraculous deed he moved me back home yes Victoria to begin restoring me and to restore the foundations of my life that had been destroyed so many years ago.

He gave me the strength to successfully walk away from someone that was not healthy for me. Someone I had tried unsuccessfully to leave many times in the past 5 years.

He brought me to complete forgiveness to those that had destroyed my original heart, including the one I said I would never face and even the one I had to leave.

He freed me from 23 years of depression.

He restored my daughters back to me, along with a 4 year old grandson that I babysit, and this one really makes me laugh, I am actually contemplating taking care of more children. He is also putting it into my heart to foster children. (That one gets me almost hysterical.)

He is changing me daily and each day I draw closer to him and feel more whole and more complete.

I am giving mini sermons to the elderly and hosting a small group. All by the leading of the Holy Spirit; who gives me the words, the courage and his ability.

I am truly happy although:

I have no man in my life (at least not a human man.)

I am not in charge of anything or anyone nor am I in control. For the first time I completely submitted my life to the God of the universe, how could I not, he died for me. I learned that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me so it seemed like the wise thing to do, to let him do his will in my life. He gave me my chance to do it myself, and it almost killed me.

God has so many promises for me. My favorite right now, as I continue to learn to trust him more and more is that he will prefect all that concerns me. He’s already doing that.

My heart aches for every women and every man to experience the miracle of Jesus. Spend time with him today and everyday and watch flowers bloom in your heart. See people through his eyes. Wow he loves us so much. He will heal, restore, strengthen, comfort, teach and direct us into a better life, a satisfied life the abundant life.

Be Blessed!