Do you ever feel that you have an enemy that is so great that it's only objective is to destroy you? Am I alone in this fight for my survival in this world? What can my purpose be that this enemy set out to destroy me so many years ago and is relentless even today?
As I begin to see the light and hope begins to rise up inside me, my enemy immediately becomes threatened and seeking its most appropriate vessel uses him most effectively. His chosen vessel begins to berate me with words that scream loudly in my head. As I fight his onslaughts, and as I try to defend myself, every word I speak is turned against me, even in my tears he screams my inadequacies at me, scorning my tears as a weakness that I should be ashamed of. He grins at my lack of control, gaining power in my loss of it. As I make my stand face to face he finds pleasure in my stance. He sees that he has roused my old self, my calm, loving disposition is beginning to disappear, and he begins to revel in the old me rising to the occasion. He knows he is winning again, he knows that I am weak to his temptations. His lies slither out of his tongue with such a vile sting. Part truth, part lie, twisted with great expertise that the very mission of these words find their target as they penetrate into my gut. I start to lash back at him wanting more than anything to destroy him, but I stop myself and begin to pray. I ask God to help me, that I not to be used as a weapon to cause more pain. God gives me strength to weaken in my stance and I lean on him as I quit fighting. My enemy unexpectedly retreats. Exhausted from my restrain I lay my head on my pillow and I cry myself to sleep. I awaken the next day with my enemy's vessel at my feet. Unlike before, he appears broken and full of sorrow. He leaves on his own accord to seek out the demons that rage inside of him, and as I watch him drive away, I realize that my enemy is also his! I rejoice that I had the presence of mind to reach for my vindicator, my banner, Jehovah Nissi, letting him fight my battle for me breaking the enemy's power over me and foiling his plan to use me as his vessel against another. Today, I am tired, but I find comfort in the scriptures and I rest assured that tomorrow will bring a renewed strength.
Scripture references:
Duet 20: 3; 4
Eph 1: 19-22
Eph 6: 10-12
1 comment:
You are most definately not alone in this battle Theresa. I find that the closer I come to where I want to be, the more I am attacked from the inner demons that had penetrated at me weakest point. And as I try to evict them, they fight hard, digging in their claws and using everything in their power to try and destroy me before I can fulfill my potential.
That comment about lashing out, my heart goes out to you and I completely empathize with that. I fear my lack of patience and instant emotional reaction has me in a seemingly permanent state of childishness. Strangely, I know it, and am ashamed even as I react. But it's like "well I'm already here, I might as well follow through", and I concede to Satan's digging.
The other night, in one of my "moods", I went out for a walk. It had started with thinking about what me and my two friends would wish for. One wouldn't say what she'd wish for, the other had said she would wish for her family to be united in Jesus Christ. And me... me I said I would wish for one hour to spend with my Mom. To be able to get to know her. And, as per usual, I got emotional and closed off from the others, going outside for a long walk. And I talked to God, yelling at him, crying, begging, apologizing, and eventually coming full circle to.. well I'm not sure exactly what I came around to... but it had something to do with peace, because I felt much better after that long walk and talk with God. You, my dear friend, are much further than most can claim. God bless!
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