Waiting

You
pray and wait and wait and pray, then suddenly there it is. 5 years ago
I didn't have enough faith to believe that God would provide 1 meal for
me and now I know He provides for ALL of my needs, fulfills the desires
He put into my heart and goes ahead of me making the way. Pray and
wait, wait and pray, BELIEVE and obey and watch the hand of God create a
beautiful life made to order just for you!

The Real Deal

I was asked what made me find religion. I went too long but the short of it is, Jesus pulled me out of abuse & suicide. He restored me, my mind & my family. God is real, & as undeserving as I was He cared enough to get personally involved with me. I’m not chasing an apparition, some "idea" or religious system but a real God in the person of Jesus Christ that performs miracles in our everyday lives. Check out John 3:16

Not Looking Good?

Do things look not so good for you? I imagine things didn't look too good to the disciples when Jesus was hanging on that cross but Gods most profound miracle was actually in the works. In those devastating moments our eternity was being secured and our power & authority over evil was being regained. God is Awesome when things don't look so good!

One Man

I was going through a journal I kept the first year i devoted my life to Jesus. This one has proven more true each day. "40 years of my life were defined by what ONE man did TO me~Now my next 40 years are being defined by what One Man did FOR me!"

Your Will Lord... Will Prevail

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

I don't need to concern myself with what "if's" or "why's" or even "how" for His purpose WILL prevail and His purpose is ALWAYS good, so I lay down my ideas, my plans, and my desires; It will be done with me or without me, through me or around me, so I rather He use me, so I simply wait and walk according to His purpose. Thank you Lord!

Possibilities

Its not very often I am not able to sleep, tonight appears to be one of those rare occasions. I am excited about the possibilities for myself and for others I have come to call friends. I see them pressing into God, deciding to listen for His voice and actually obey Him and a whole new world is opening up to them. Peace, joy, contentment yet a striving for more of Him. Mine is truly a life I had only once dreamed about yet here it is laid out before me, ordered and ordained by my Father in heaven specifically for me. I am grateful beyond words for where He has brought me and humbly excited about where He is taking me. The possibilities of what lays ahead for those who choose to follow Him are endless. Not without trial but with a security of victory at every turn. I surrender all, again and again!

My God is All Things to Me ~

My God is All Things to Me ~

He sees me
He doesn't blame me
I am worthy of the best Husband
He desires and takes great pride in being my husband
He does not endure me
I will not be left / He will not check out
I AM worth the trouble
He desires to mold me, lead me, grow me and all the
while loving me ~ walking proudly beside me,
showing me off as His ~
He defends me!
He sees ME and thinks I Am Everything
I am cherished
I am precious
I am strong ~ He is not intimidated
He is stronger yet He is soft~ He teaches me
He sees Me!

Forgiven

I wrote a story in this blog August 2008 and I called it The Little Girl Inside. The story was a brief summary of my life dramatically featuring the death of the child in me the moment I was violated. At the end of the story I used the power of my pen to write the word forgiven across my abusers name, thus bringing that little girl back to life. When I wrote that I was standing on faith that one day I was going to be able to truly forgive this man that had ripped my soul in two.

My faith statement became a reality 2 months later.

Do you know how God did it? One morning in October was having my quiet time, praying and talking to God when my grandson came running into the room, upon seeing me with my eyes closed he apologized and ran out of the room. I smiled. In that instant God spoke a soft gentle word into my heart. He said "that was Tony once" an innocent child who was hurt and in his pain he hurt you. Next thing I knew I was on the floor sobbing heavily for the loss of that innocent little boy. I forgave him from the deepest chambers of my heart that morning and I began to see life through her innocent eyes again.

This June 2010 The Lord impressed on me that it was time to forgive him face to face so I went to his home and forgave him face to face, just like God asked me to. It was nothing short of a miracle. I felt no shame, no anger, no bitterness. God removed it all. Every last drop of anything evil God took, removed it from the root. As I sat across from him I stared down at my hands they were steady as a rock. I remember when simply talking about this man made my hands shake and my stomach turn into knots. And here I was sitting across from him with compassion flowing out of me for him and the pain he has carried in his life. I told him it was time for him to forgive himself and that God loves him. I assured him that God himself sent me to him because He wanted him to seek him with his whole heart and to lay down the past and step into the life God has for him.

I saw his pain as tears flowed down his face. I prayed with him and for him and left. Totally awed at my God! What an amazing God we serve!

The more I read his word, the more free I become. Staying obedient has brought so much of his very presence into my life. I never imagined my life could be what it is today. My eyes have not seen, my hears have not heard, my heart can not conceive the things that God has prepared for me. (1 Corinthians 2:9). He is not kidding. But more importantly, God is not a respecter of person, what He is doing for me He will do for you!

Praise God!

What is Restoration House?

I started this blog during my recovery. My recovery from a broken heart and a shattered spirit. At the end of my recovery a home for broken women was birthed. A friend of mine emailed me yesterday and suggested that I blog about the home and tell some of the stories of the girls that have come through here. Not sure why I hadn't already been doing that. Time probably, but it is time well served to share the miracles that take place here. Have all the girls experienced the transformation that I have, the freedom from pain and past hurts? Sadly no. But those that willingly surrendered control of their lives to God certainly have and that is what these blogs are going to be about. I hope one or some touch your heart and start you on a path to complete restoration!

Restoration House started as a desire to help women get off drugs and alcohol. This desire has turned into a mission to minister the love of Christ to these women. After seeing and experiencing the transforming reality of what surrendering your life to Christ can do, it has become my life's passion to open homes in small communities for young female adults with a deep desire to overcome addictions and alcoholism. This home will also be a safe place for young pregnant mothers with nowhere to turn. We offer an alternative to abortion and an alternative to a life of drugs and alcohol. At Restoration House we don't focus on the addictions and failures these young women bring with them; instead we focus on Jesus Christ-Our Healer and Deliverer.

For Brian

A man fell into the sea. He was a powerful man, not just in status but also in statute. He had great muscle strength. The people on the boat threw him a life saver. This floating device was designed to save lives. The man full of pride believed he could save himself and began to swim towards the boat. The man in all of his strength fought hard but the undercurrent was much stronger and continued to carry him further out to sea. He eventually gave up and the sea overtook him, carrying him to his death. The floating device bobbing up and down was untouched. The floating device was designed to save lives. It worked, it was good, yet he died.

Another man fell into the sea, in his fear he grasped for the floating device. People began to pull him in, but he continued to flair his arms wildly and kicking his feet frantically. People shouted at him to be still and to hold on tightly to the device but he wouldn’t listen. As the waves got higher and the wind began to blow, his kicking made it difficult to pull him in. He was tossed to and fro and due to his arms flailing about, he was thrown from the floating device and carried out to sea to his death.

You watched in horror but you did not see the one man’s failure to reach out to a device that was designed to save his life. Nor did you see the other mans failure to hold on tightly to the device so he could be pulled out of the raging sea. Through your eyes you saw a device that didn’t save their lives. Through your eyes you saw what you were told was a life saving device that didn't work. You didn’t trust this so-called life saver, so when you found yourself in the middle of the raging sea, waves overtaking you, you didn’t even bother reaching for the floating device that was just inches within your grasp, you laid your arms over your chest, closed your eyes and let the sea shallow you up.

The floating device was designed to save lives, it works, it does exactly what it was designed to do, but you have to reach for it, grab it, wrap your arms around it and hold on to it with every bit of strength you have inside of you. As the waves cover you and the undercurrent pulls you down, your grasp on the life saver will get you to safety. It is guaranteed to do that IF you just hold on.

Jesus was designed to save lives. That is the reason he was born. Those that refuse to grab a hold of him because of pride do so by choice, it is not HIS fault. Those that grab on, but let go and continue to do things their own way and fall back into the raging sea, do so by choice, it is not HIS fault. The life saver is not defective because it was not used for the purpose it was designed. Neither is Jesus defective nor is His blood and sacrifice rendered ineffective for you because someone else did not apply His blood, His word and His promises to their lives. Jesus loves YOU! He died so YOU could be free! He can bring you safely out of the raging sea and put your feet on solid ground. He can do that, IF you reach out grab a hold and don’t let go.

I love you Brian.

My Testimony

Revelations 12:11 We overcome Satan because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of our testimony....

I am sorry to say that my life is not very unique. I say Sorry because it is a shame how many women suffered at the hands of a family member or so called family friend.
When I was a little girl I thought what had happened to me was so vile, and so shameful that I must be the only one in the whole world that must be going through it. Little did I know that I probably was sitting next someone in school just like me.

My step father began to molest me when I was 5. The guilt and the shame I felt, was the manipulation tool that he was able to use to keep me quiet. I finally told my mother at the age of 9, thinking my nightmare was over. Wrong. My mother stayed. Telling however did empower something inside of me and I no longer allowed him to do those things to me. I became very brazen and tough mouthed. He began to knock me around and the peculiar thing about that is that it almost made me feel better. Which I later learned was part of the need to self inflicting outer pain to numb the inner pain and to help subdue the guilt.

He also began to hit my mother which was something he hadn’t done before. I felt so guilty about that I would come out of my room and purposely antagonize him, he would leave her where she fell and turn on me. My mother would then get up and hurry to her room, locking her door behind her. He would hit me a few times then go away.
Probably the most painful thing I experienced was watching my mother at the kitchen table with her address book in hand calling everyone she knew from our church and elsewhere to see if I could come and stay with them. You see it was either me or him and she chose him. I was the “problem”. I didn’t realize how much that truly hurt my heart until I had my own daughter.

My real father was a cheater and an abuser. The only man that I trusted and that had been good to me was my grandfather and he died when I was 9, which threw me into a major breakdown that required I be medicated.

I began to drink when I was 15 and I drank nearly every day as a teenager and tried a few drugs but drinking was by far my favorite choice o f drug. I also loved working. As I grew older I had more of a problem with being a workaholic then a drinking “aholic.”

At the age of 16 I took a bunch of pills and ended up in the physic ward at citizens. Angry and bitter I really laid it on thick, and had my mother removed on more than one occasion from my room.

As I got older my drinking was more sporadic as opposed to daily or even just on the weekends. I could go years without drinking and then decide one day I wanted to party and would turn my life upside down, that was usually when my life was going pretty good. I became really good at self sabotaging myself.

My first love was with an addict/alcoholic. Found out I was pregnant at 17 after leaving him, I mean got on a plane and left him. I couldn’t leave him any other way. After some really disappointing let downs from him, his family and my mother of course (that shouldn’t have been a surprise for me then but it was.) I decided to have an abortion. I painfully regretted that decision, until I finally gave it to God when I was 30.

When life was chaotic I was strong and took charge of the situation but when life was good I was a wreck and mostly clinically depressed. My battle with depression began after I had my daughter. I was 20 years old. I would spend the next 20 years fluctuating from severally depressed to moderately depressed, but nevertheless depressed. Not a day went by without the sense of dread and sadness looming over me.

I married at 19 to a pretty nice guy, wasn’t much of a drinker and definitely no drugs. His issues came from a dominating father figure so he was very passive aggressive and I of course was aggressive / aggressive. Something I never realized until recently was that he was probably my bumper pad. Our marriage wasn’t bad but at every turn it was strained and pulled. Through the years he dealt with my partying binges, working constantly, moving from house to house. I couldn’t be still. When life got still I got moving. I was always mad about something. I put him down constantly. I probably even blamed him for my bad hair days. Now don’t get me wrong he wasn’t perfect. He had his issues.

I ran the house, the bills, the business, the raising and disciplining of our children. I was a major control freak, and walked and talked work. Nobody could do anything right.
I gave my heart to Christ when I was 30. I was healed instantly from depression and began my journey of forgiveness. My mother was the first one.

We hit church pretty hard at first but then life happened and I was the one they talk about in Matthew 13. I wasn’t rooted in the word and as soon as thorns appeared the word was choked right out and life as I knew it before began only worse this time. My depression came back with a vengeance. Satan was determined to kill me this time.

Our daughters started to get involved with drugs and alcohol when I was at the pinnacle of my business career and on the verge of franchising my company. My husband checked out. He had quit his job and spent most of his days playing on the internet bogged down in his own obsessions. And I could care less.

I was tired. I decided it was time to party. And on my 36th birthday I did just that. A month later left my husband and the girls.

4months after leaving him I met a guy. Cute, funny and he seemed really strong, a leader. He was totally opposite from my soon to be ex-husband. Boy that was the understatement of the century to say the least but I was also very wrong about his character. He was strong but not in a nice way and he could be really mean. He was the mirrored image of me in male form only worse. And if that were not enough he was a raging alcoholic and a closet drug addict.
Before I met him I hated women who stayed in abusive relationships. Remember my mother had stayed. I looked down on them and thought them to be weak. A year and ½ into this relationship, I finally understood the obsession. I had lost so much weight I barely crested 95 lbs. My 250,000 year business barely grossed 20,000. I had stopped talking to all of my friends and rarely spent any time away from this man. We fought fiercely. Remember I was the verbally abusive one in my marriage so this guy had met his match. We beat each other up verbally and even physically at times. I was more aggressive in that area then him but he was the master of manipulation. Even at my worst I was always an honest person, so he used that against me while he lied, schemed and deceived in almost every area of his life. His drug use finally came to light and then so did my youngest daughters. So I was learning and dealing with the both of them almost at the same time. My oldest daughter married an addict and thus my life had sowed its rewards. I and my daughters were in hell and I didn’t know how to get us out.

But God……

In Ephesians 2:Verses 1-3 Paul writes how God found us. Messed up and beat up, then in verse 4 he writes “ But God so rich is he in his mercy! Because of and to satisfy the great, wonderful and intense love with which he loves us, that even when were dead by our shortcomings and trespasses, he made us alive together in union with Christ.

When I cried out to him 3 years ago and spent a week fasting, he began to move in my life in such a mighty way. He moved heaven and earth to get me back to Victoria (a place I had vowed I would never return to. I grew up there and would literally get ill when I came to visit) He was bringing me to this very church and even though I was still living in sin he began to convict me and move me towards him. As I began to slowly obey and to start the process of surrendering my will to him, he began to fix everything in my life that was broken.

This is just a small list of what Jesus has done for me in the last two years:

15 years ago my real father gave his heart to Jesus and spent the last 15 years getting to know me and his other children. I was able to be at my father’s bed side when he died in April 08, which was a blessing to be able to care for him the week before he died. God healed a lot of wounds during this time. Just a few months before that God and I took a journey back through my childhood while taking a writing class. God used this class and my writing to bring back to life the little girl that had been stolen from me. He completely restored me. e He After burying my father God gently told me it was time to forgive my step-father and for the first time I was able to sincerely and truly forgive him.

My youngest daughter who I can now say is a recovered addict survived a drug overdose, spent some time in jail and in a rehab and is now living on her own and has a wonderful job. She is watching me, her sister, and her father who has also given his heart to Jesus and each day she is drawing closer to God. My oldest daughter is no longer with her husband and is a sophomore in college on her way to pre-medical school to study medicine. She loves God and is committed to a life of service to him. Neither of my girls graduated from high school and look at them now. I have a wonderful Grandson who loves God. My ex-husband and I are very good friends today by allowing God to show us each of our parts in the destruction of our marriage. and the ex-boyfriend? He is still struggling But God…there is that statement again. God has a done a beautiful thing. I have forgiven him for all he did to me and asked him to forgive me for all that I did to hurt him. God has allowed me to see his brokenness in a way that has allowed me to show him Jesus. He hasn’t used drugs in a little over a year now, although he still struggles with his drinking. I continue to pray for him and I know that God is going to restore him just like he has restored me.

I am now actively involved in helping other women find freedom in Jesus, through 3 venues. One is by opening my own home to women who are ready to transform their lives, Two is here at Celebrate Recovery and 3 through being one of the counselors at our church.

I know personally the transforming power of Our Lord Jesus Christ. It is my passionate desire to see the broken hearted healed and the addicted freed. I know it is possible. I am a living, breathing example and have seen Jesus break bonds of those I love and know personally.

Don’t give up on God…He will never give up on you.

A Dream In All Of Us

There is a hope and there is a dream in every one of us. You can’t deny that fact. I don’t care how many bad things you have done, you have a dream inside of you. When you were a child you didn’t dream of drinking yourself stupid or shooting drugs up your arm, spending your nights in jail, molesting a child or killing someone, but that may be your life right now. You may have started out in a bad situation and therefore dreaming of anything more than a peaceful night’s sleep without being molested by a grown-up maybe even your dad, or being run down or knocked around was about as wild as your dreams got. But I promise you fear to dream doesn’t mean that there are not dreams inside of you. God put dreams, desires and hopes in all of us. It is Gods intimate desire to see those dreams come alive inside of you. God has a plan to cultivate those dreams and watch them become reality in your life. How does he plan on doing this? It really will become the simplest thing you have done yet. Surrender your life to him. It may sound hard, and I have to admit the first step is hard but even as hard as it may be; it isn’t harder than enduring the life you may be living right now. All the pain you cause yourself, all the pain you cause others and all the pain that has been inflicted by others onto you, can be forgiven and can be healed. Complete restoration, mind, body, and spirit that IS why Jesus went to the cross. That is why Jesus suffered the torture that led to his death, so you could not only live an eternal life in heaven but so you can live a free life on earth. A life Free from addictions, free from resentment, bitterness, pain, hatred, sick obsessions and negative thought patterns. Is that hard for you to believe?

It seemed impossible for me to even imagine forgiving my step-father for molesting me, for knocking me around and calling me every degrading name in the book. For completely stealing my childhood and unfortunately since I couldn’t let go of my past, stealing the next 30 years of my life. I blamed him for every bad choice I made, for every moment of depression and for every failed relationship.

When I finally let go and asked Jesus into my heart and surrendered my life to God, I asked him to take control and lead me into the plans that he had for me. He forgave me of my sins and began to heal my pain. As I learned and began to study his word and spend time in prayer, he opened up my heart to receive his love, and began to show me how beautiful and lovely I am to him. He poured the very love that Jesus took with him to the cross into me. Which was a four-fold benefit, One to show me how valued I am as a person and as a child of God and Two; to allow me to forgive those that hurt me, including my stepfather, Three; to seek out those I had hurt so I could ask for their forgiveness and Four to pour the love he poured into me out to others that are still hurting. Show them Jesus he told me. Is that hard? Sometimes, in my own capacity to love and in my own strength, but I constantly ask God for his love and his strength and he is faithful to give it to me. He is Real, He is mighty and he is ready, willing and able to comfort you, strengthen you, equip you, and enable you, to achieve your dreams, all for his glory.

He is fulfilling dreams inside of me that had always been there but seemed impossible for me to achieve and I am witnessing him raise up dreams in other’s that have spent their entire life addicted to drugs but are now free because they made a decision to do what I did. Surrender their life over to the one who died so they could live.

Do something different. Ask Jesus to come into your heart, ask him to forgive you, and then thank him because it is done! Then go look for a church. If you struggle with addictions or past hurts of any kind go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ and look for a celebrate recovery group in your area.

Obedient In The Little Things

Why is it so hard to do what God asks of us? Its very rarely anything bad, dangerous or totally humiliating. Its usually stuff like, pray for that person, or get up at 4am and seek him, go tell someone you are sorry, give someone money, take someone food etc. Maybe your afraid to be obedient in the little things because he may ask more of you if you are. No maybe about it, He will. But it's actually a beautiful thing. The reward that comes with obedience is his presence.

I discovered today that my struggle is not in doing what he has called me to do but in deciding if I am going to do it or not. My struggle is in surrendering. Once I surrender and decide to do what he is asking of me, thats when he steps in and covers me with his grace and takes the burden and carries me to the other side. I decided today as I begin my quest to have more of him, to surrender to his will faster, to stop struggling with my desires vs his desires for my life. I also discovered today that contemplating and analyzing is really a waste of time. I inevitably can not say "no". God is bringing me to a place that leaves me with only 1 option, and that is to do what he has asked of me.

I heard the perfect line Wednesday night. Joyce Meyers was at our church, yes right here in little Victoria Texas. It was truly a blessing. Anyway she explained that God prunes you off the vine if you aren't bearing fruit and he prunes you so you can bear fruit so once she realized "I'm pruned if I do and I'm pruned if I don't." She decided she would rather be pruned to bear fruit. I so got that. I mean really, if I don't obey, I am left miserable until I do what he has asked of me and then when I obey he takes the burden of what he has asked me to do, fills me with his unexplainable love and his peace and his joy overwhelms me. So why struggle? Beats me....All I can say, is "dumb sheep."

I thank God he is patient, loving and merciful. He waits for me to get it.

Father I'm Getting it...

I Want More

I am on a quest. Some may say it is an impossible quest. An unattainable prize. But I say it is possible, it is attainable. It is living a life totally and completely sold out for God. A true and humble servant to God. Walking in his anointing, experiencing him everyday. Is that possible for any one person to achieve? I believe it is possible and there is one person I know of for sure that attained it, his name is Jesus. The bible says he was an example for us, meaning what he attained in relationship with God is possible for each and every one of us. I do believe it is possible, however it is still very difficult for me to wrap my head around that.

What is required of me on my quest? What must I do to experience God more in my life. Is it wrong for me to want more of him? He has already done so much for me, but it's not what he can do for me that I seek. I seek him, the very essence of him permeating from within me. I thought up until now that I was seeking him and doing pretty good at keeping communication open with him but tonight I realized that I was just skimming the surface, God has so much more for me but that more for me requires something more from me.

Matthew 6:33 Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and these things will be added unto you.

God gave me that scripture 2 years ago and in my quest I sought to know of him and he revealed himself to me and in those brief yet beautiful experiences he has healed me and began to strip me of me, but there is more to heal and more to strip. I will start a new journey tomorrow, to seek his very presence, to allow him to pour of himself into me.

Two years ago that would have sounded very strange, foreign and uncomfortable for me to hear much less for me to say or think, but not today.

So I venture into my new quest for an even more personal and intimate relationship with the God of the universe, my creator, my father, my King Jesus who died so I could have this opportunity to know him intimately as he has always known me.

Lord here I am.

Christmas

Is it Christmas in your home? Christmas tree decorated to the hilt. Lights strung outside. What a wonderful display of colors and lights. There is no mistaking what time of year this is, there is no mistaking that Christmas is here. As the hustle and bustle of gift buying takes place it strikes me that many people today that participate in the festivities have no clue who Jesus really is. They live 11 months out of the year without so much as a thought to him, to his birth, to his life on earth or to his death. It’s sad you see because as evident as the lights, the tree and the hustle and bustle of this season are to the world, that is how evident he should be in our lives as Christians. People should recognize Jesus in us. There should be no mistaking Jesus in our lives.

Let’s not wait until Dec 25 to celebrate Jesus. He should be celebrated every single day.

I celebrate the gifts he gives to me and to my family. I celebrate the fact that every day I am forgiven, everyday his mercies are new. He pours his grace over me and restores me to newness each and every day. I experience the miracle of Jesus daily in my life. If that isn’t a reason to celebrate then I don’t know what is.

I hope as you wake up Christmas morning, before you begin to open your gifts you stop and think about the baby that was born, God himself as a human, born to be the son of man, born to die for your sins, to restore you to a newness, to teach us how to live, and how to walk in fellowship with our Father, our creator, our God. It is truly a miracle, a beautiful love story of sacrifice and triumph. A pursuit for souls, nothing could stop him from saving those he loves, not even the grave. Did you know that you were loved that much? Every day I learn more of this amazing God that we have and every day I am awed at the magnitude of his love.

My Christmas Wish is that all receive him and get to experience what Jesus meant when he spoke about peace and joy to man.

Have a very Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year.

Along The Way

I wrote this when I was struggling between my old lifestyle and the call God put on my heart.

I go off-thinking I am moving away from God. I begin to seek old pleasures only to find no pleasure in them. I find myself in familier places noticing things I never noticed before, like; hurting people and actions that appear innocent enough, but knowing they are destructive. Consequences scream loudly at me even before I do anything wrong.

I lay awake doubting myself-disgruntle at my actions. Wondering why I continue to seek something I know is worthless.

Then I look up. I praise God and find strength I didn’t know was there-My journey was shorter this time-I am strengthened in my return. My heart leaps!

A Single Tulip Worshiped In The Wind

I am not a poet, nor will I ever claim to be. This is my first poem since 8th grade.
This poem came to me after time in prayer as I questioned my desire to write.

I watched a tulip as it danced in the wind
It seemed to be dancing to an audience of one
It knew not that I watched, as it swayed to and fro
Lost in the essence of its creation, it worshiped all alone
Not a care, not a matter for it knew of its beauty
And its purpose in that field
To worship its creator till its last petal withered.

Oh how I longed to be that tulip
So sure and so perfect
It had no fear of lack
It worshiped without hindrance
It worshiped without doubt
To be lost in the presence of God
I could only imagine

To what is my purpose as I stand here alone?
To be lost in the essence of my creation
To know of my beauty
To worship my creator until my last breath taken
Ah, I begin to sway to and fro and release my soul
For now I know, the tulip is but a secondary thought made for me
For I am the marvel that God himself has breathed

My Red Sea

For 23 years I battled with both moderate depression which was persistently present at all times to bouts of severe depression that could last several months. I took medication off and on for 15 years and sought therapy on 4 separate occasions, the last time being, when I first moved back to my hometown 3 years ago.

The Lord brought me out of my Egypt 13 years ago, he also miraculously parted the waters for me, but I couldn’t cross over my Red Sea. As I began to cross the vast expanse I took my eyes off of Jesus, looking back at the world I wasn’t ready to leave behind. The Sea closed in around me. Drowning in my anger, my bitterness consumed me-self pity abounded. My hurts and my pains were like the sea itself-vast and deep, no land in sight. I couldn’t see anything else.

Words simply cannot convey the intensity of the dark emotions that accompany this debilitating affliction. I wanted to die, I asked God on many occasions to take me home, I begged him, I pleaded with him, even negotiated with him. I was TIRED, unbelievably, tired.

My thoughts were a myriad of memories and dialogs that disrupted my entire life; disturbing my sleep and interfering in my relationships. Four years ago when I got my life insurance policies I had carefully reviewed the suicide clause. The devil had convinced me that my children would be better off without me as long as I left them financially secure. The fight in me didn’t want to die, but the depression was winning, I was losing this battle.

Circumstances brought me back home a place I vowed I would never return. As I wandered from room to room in my house, thinking life couldn’t get any worse, now that I had ended up back in my hometown of hell. The phrase “Seek ye first The Kingdom of God” began to come at me from the radio, the television and Sunday services. Honestly I began to get slightly annoyed because I was hearing it everywhere; I promise you, I think I actually saw the writing of those words on the wall, literally. I began my quest to find out what it meant exactly, and in my search, I was led to DBI (Destiny Bible Institute) a 2 year intensive 3 hours a week bible course offered by my church. God began to show me among other things 2 very important steps for recovery; how to worship him and how to praise him through the storms.

Listening to instruction from my pastor I began to read my bible, to thank God often, and I even set aside time everyday to pray. Healing began, slowly at first, I knew I was changing, but I was still afraid to believe it.

I was led to the Epistles, which I now call my “get out of depression” scriptures. I began to renew my mind. Remember the myriad of memories and dialogues that controlled my life? Well I began to take control of them by speaking the word of God to them. I wrote scripture on index cards and kept them with me. Repeating them often at my demons, my depression, my wrong thoughts, I began to confess healing over my depression and I stopped asking God to take my life instead, thanking him for my life.

The combination of heartfelt worship even at my lowest points, on my knees crying, giving thanks and praising God even when I felt like dying, prayer when I didn’t feel like praying, reading his word the bible and most importantly speaking his word out loud are what delivered me from my Red Sea.

My first year here, I was lost and broken, my second year broken but faking it, this, my third year I am walking in victory. The Red Sea parted and God carried me safely to the other side.

Three days ago God told me I was no longer broken! I am not quite sure how to do "not broke" but I am definitely ready to give it a try.
---------------------------------------------------------
Creflo Dollar Wrote:
"You can become a diligent custodian over your words by focusing your mind on those things that are just, pure, lovely and of good report (Philippians 4:8). As you fill yourself with the Word by continually reading, meditating on and speaking scriptures that relate to your specific situation, you design a wonderful blueprint for your life!"

The Little Girl Inside-Forgiven

This short piece was written for my creative class.

The story is true.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

What if I could hit the rewind button and with the power of my pen rewrite my life? Not all of it, only from the moment it profoundly changed, the moment I was murdered.

I remember that little girl, riding high on that John Deer Tractor with her Shirley Temple hair carefully pulled back into pig tails and those big brown eyes glistening as she proudly takes her place on her grandpa’s lap.

What a charmed life I lived as that little girl.

I was five when she died, taking everything pure and innocent with her, instantly and forever changing me. I was left with an insatiable thirst for her. Her spirit of freedom had run boundlessly through those corn fields as she rode with her grandpa. Soon he would become the only man in her life that she would ever trust again.

Hector had become my new stepfather; he was the one who had killed her. I knew Hector's secret, but I had buried it with her. Grandpa hoped that having the surgery would make him well again so he could take me away from Hector. Looking into my eyes, grandpa no longer recognized the girl that was looking back at him, cradling my face he makes me a promise that he’d be back for me.

I refused to visit him in the hospital. I was in denial and in my child’s mind I believed if I didn’t see him in the hospital than he wasn’t really sick. Expectantly awaiting grandpa’s return; I knew he’d be coming for me soon.

A sickening grin came over Hector's face as he took noticeable pleasure in telling me that grandpa had died.

“Liar,” I cried out. “He wouldn’t leave me; he promised.”

Calling him a liar again, my legs gave way underneath me. My mind could not conceive it. In a state of disbelief, utterly inconsolable, I’m kept in a drug induced state throughout my grandpa’s funeral.

This secret war raged on, as Hector continued to destroy me. I found my voice of truth three years later at the age of nine and pointed my accusing finger at him. I raised my hands in triumph confident my life was about to change, and it did, only not in the way I had imagined. My mother stayed with him, I could not fathom why,-security, perhaps? His fist became his new weapon against me, only he cleverly targeted my mother first. My guilt called me to him, taking her place. Becoming her shield in a strange way soothed me, accepting that his fist was far better than his trembling hands on me.

Finally, I set out to start a new life, only to face a new battle. For twenty years depression tried to take what was left. Wrecking havoc in my marriage, relationships, and careers, its darkness relentlessly loomed over me. Broken and tired, I waned and in my weakness, I found strength as I fell prostrate to Jesus, surrendering all to him.

As this story draws out of me, a miracle of healing unravels before me. I discover I have the power to resurrect the little girl inside. I am her breath; I am her heartbeat.

I wield the power of my pen and with great strength from within me, I write, “Forgiven” across Hector's name, abolishing depression. With that one powerful gesture, I bring the little girl inside back to life. Closing my eyes, I gently draw her out, assuring her that she is safe.

My Vindicator

Do you ever feel that you have an enemy that is so great that it's only objective is to destroy you? Am I alone in this fight for my survival in this world? What can my purpose be that this enemy set out to destroy me so many years ago and is relentless even today?

As I begin to see the light and hope begins to rise up inside me, my enemy immediately becomes threatened and seeking its most appropriate vessel uses him most effectively. His chosen vessel begins to berate me with words that scream loudly in my head. As I fight his onslaughts, and as I try to defend myself, every word I speak is turned against me, even in my tears he screams my inadequacies at me, scorning my tears as a weakness that I should be ashamed of. He grins at my lack of control, gaining power in my loss of it. As I make my stand face to face he finds pleasure in my stance. He sees that he has roused my old self, my calm, loving disposition is beginning to disappear, and he begins to revel in the old me rising to the occasion. He knows he is winning again, he knows that I am weak to his temptations. His lies slither out of his tongue with such a vile sting. Part truth, part lie, twisted with great expertise that the very mission of these words find their target as they penetrate into my gut. I start to lash back at him wanting more than anything to destroy him, but I stop myself and begin to pray. I ask God to help me, that I not to be used as a weapon to cause more pain. God gives me strength to weaken in my stance and I lean on him as I quit fighting. My enemy unexpectedly retreats. Exhausted from my restrain I lay my head on my pillow and I cry myself to sleep. I awaken the next day with my enemy's vessel at my feet. Unlike before, he appears broken and full of sorrow. He leaves on his own accord to seek out the demons that rage inside of him, and as I watch him drive away, I realize that my enemy is also his! I rejoice that I had the presence of mind to reach for my vindicator, my banner, Jehovah Nissi, letting him fight my battle for me breaking the enemy's power over me and foiling his plan to use me as his vessel against another. Today, I am tired, but I find comfort in the scriptures and I rest assured that tomorrow will bring a renewed strength.

Scripture references:
Duet 20: 3; 4
Eph 1: 19-22
Eph 6: 10-12